My heart is so heavy tonight with thoughts and talks and blurred, but concise visions of truth. The more I think, the more I pray, and the more I pray, the more I think. I have been thinking and praying and drifting and then reawakening with more thoughts even heavier than the last. It’s seeping out of my pores and dripping loud and heavy drops of thoughts, splashing into puddles of prayers, and I’m reminded of past sins. I’m sickened, saddened, angry, and afraid of my sin. I’m disgusted by it. My sins float into a thought cloud above my head, and I grab hold of a prayer to drown out the cloud. My prayers are heavier than my thoughts, so while my prayer sinks deeper and deeper, my thoughts continue to rise and linger. Jesus loves me, this I know, but he hates my sin. How can I be loved while the very robe I walk around in is drenched and soaked in an intricately woven pattern of sin mixed with sin. I am loved, but my sin is not. I have grace, but my sin does not. I, one day, will make it to heaven, but my sin will not. So, in light of these thoughts upon thoughts upon thoughts, I groan with another heavy prayer, and again it sinks deep. I watch it fall to the floor, and I bend it pick it up. My thought cloud stays still, and I take note of the illusion. I bend lower and closer to my prayer, glancing back at my cloud. It’s further still, so I allow my knees to reach my prayer’s shadow. I trust in the distance now, so I fight the urge to look back and I press my face to the floor, breathing in my prayer’s essence of truth. My face falls through the surface. There’s more beyond the love for me. There’s more than what I used to be. When I draw closer, I can truly see! It’s Jesus in the heaviness. He’s deeper than the surface, and when I dive in and begin to swim, my reflection is looking more like Him! Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, but my body wants more than to only hear. I want to see, I want to feel! I want to taste and see that the Lord is good. Every bite of your Word is food. The taste of your law is sweeter than honey. Why honey? Is it because of the bees? Because they sting? Or is it because they collect and protect and work together, ignoring time and weather, sifting through nectar to create and savor every drop of sweetness? I cannot believe this! My thoughts turned to prayers, my prayers turned to Jesus, and Jesus is the Word. The word is sweet, and sweetness takes work and time and the law is grace collected, sifted, and constantly stirred, not settled. I must not, no I cannot, no I will not be settled in grace. I will walk past the sands, feel the waters rise to my chest, trusting Him to be my breath. I will swim beneath the surface, allowing a new life, out of the norm, away from air and everything that I used to know as truth. I will seek, instead, His truth. I will reach to touch His robe, healing my thoughts of old, making me brand new. I don’t want to come up for air! I want the navy blue waters, not clear. I don’t want it to be easy. I don’t want to live to please me! Take me, Lord, and lead me. I don’t want to want the simple life. I want to want the sacrifice, to leave my things and follow you, to toss my net, no questions asked.
Lord, I believe. Help me with my unbelief.
-Cathi C.
…whew! Now that it’s 2:30 am and That’s off my chest, goodnight! 🙂