Tonight, I am just days away from seeing my husband. I’ve been looking forward to R&R since the day I watched my husband step onto the bus. The image of his face, from that day, is permanently etched in my mind. I don’t even have to close my eyes to picture it. I saw the exact moment when he turned from my husband and the father of my children into a soldier on a mission. He had a commanding expression, and when he motioned to his soldiers, they ran to meet him for their orders. He used his hands to speak, and nodded his head to give direction. I knew exactly what he was saying without having to look at the movement of his lips. I knew my husband, and I knew him well. As R&R creeps up, I am growing more and more excited to see my best friend again. However, excitement rarely travels alone. Its favorite companions are nervousness, anxiety, and fear.
My nerves have been so out of whack lately. On the surface, I have been calm as a cucumber, but underneath, I’m shaking. It’s like I can feel every single blood cell making its way through my veins. Sometimes I feel myself shaking so much that I hold my hand out to see how bad it is…but I see nothing. I really am completely calm on the outside. This week, I’ve realized just how much I’ve been repressing my feelings lately. I can pinpoint exactly when I started doing it too. It began on my birthday, and hasn’t stopped since. I wasn’t sad that he wasn’t here with me. Instead, I felt guilty that I got to do exactly what I wanted to on my birthday (which was literally nothing), and he had to work on his. So, since that day, I have stopped allowing myself the privilege to sort through my feelings. Instead, I’ve been unfairly punishing myself by walking with my logical foot forward, followed by silliness. The jokes are just a crutch to take me from one logical step to the next. And now my nerves are pushing past my barriers and I feel sick from it all.
Even though my husband is only days from sitting on the couch with me, eating at the head of the table, and wrestling with our boys, I want him to be here now. I’m so tired of waiting, and the countdown being so short isn’t making it any easier. I’m so ready, but time isn’t going any faster, and then the waiting makes me cry. Then, I can’t stop crying and I try to breath…I’m always trying to take deep breaths and tell myself to breath. That’s been my stupid strategy this entire time. Just breath. I’ve turned breathing into something difficult and way deeper than it needs to be. Breathing isn’t just a normal, involuntary function anymore. It’s something I have to remind myself to do. That’s not normal. There’s something seriously wrong with me. I think it’s called anxiety. Whew! Look at me! Getting in touch with my feelings! Im growing up, y’all!
Oh the fear…do I even want to go there? No. No, I do not. So I’ll touch on it quickly. I’ll rip off the bandaid and beg for forgiveness on any typos. I’m afraid that I’m going to be too controlling over the house and kids. I’m afraid that I won’t let my husband have the first say-so. I’m afraid that I might push him to have the first say-so. I’m afraid that he’s going to hit me in his sleep, maybe think I’m a terrorist. I’m afraid that I might hit him while he’s sleeping…maybe think he’s a terrorist. I’m afraid that we won’t know how to talk to each other. I’m afraid that we are supposed to be this big love story, and so many people are watching and waiting to hear how it beautifully unfolds. But I’m afraid of letting our audience down. I’m afraid I’ve forgotten how to be a wife. I’m afraid and it makes me cry. Now, I’m crying again and telling myself to breath. Dang those stupid blood cells flowing through my veins! Can’t my body just shut up? Oh yeah…that’s another thing I’m afraid of…gas. Can’t be having gas while my husband is home. Nope. (That’s the silly crutch talking. Don’t mind her…it’ll be over in a step.)
Activity #58: What is Campaigners?
Our Younglife area is having the annual banquet, and I won’t be there for it to share about my Campaigners group. So, this week, at our meeting, we put together this little video about what Campaigners is. Enjoy!
I really am going to miss these girls, but this has been an incredible year for Campaigners, and I’m excited to watch these girls go through life with each other and with Christ in front of them. Until next week, send your crazy to me since I’m going there anyway!
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.” -John 14:1
-No more Nerves
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” -Phil 4:6
-No more Anxiety
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” -2Tim1:7
-No more fear