It’s been kind of a weird week for me. I feel like I’ve been operating on auto-pilot with all of the stuff on my to-do list. I have begun to question my new norm, and whether or not I should let myself have a normal routine with the kids. I know that we need a sense of normalcy, but I don’t want to get comfortable in a routine, and then not know how to break it when my husband does eventually come home. No more emotional Cathi this week. I’ve actually been kind of boring lately. Of course, my definition of boring is probably totally different than most. I’ve reached a phase of this deployment where I’m numb again. I feel like God is telling me to just sit still for a little bit, and I’m not even questioning Him as to why. So, I’m just being still. The silence isn’t bothering me like it used to. And I guess that’s what scares me a little bit. I’m afraid that I’m actually getting used to this. My husband is living his new norm, and it really sucks being an outsider in his life.
As military wives, there’s so much that we just have to deal with. We have to move, deal with it. You have to be seen by the sucky doctors on post, deal with it. Your husband has to leave you for 16 months, deal with it. While he’s gone, he will shut down emotionally in order to put the mission first, deal with it. We can get up and run away, because it’s just too hard. We can go out and get a divorce if we want to (because we have the power of attorney, so it’s actually possible). We can find someone else, that is in no way affiliated with the military, someone who won’t leave us, make us move, or fall under OPSEC orders. We have options, if we want to take them, but we don’t. We just deal with it. I’m not angry. These are just the facts of our lives. We love our husbands, so we just deal with it all. We’re not strong. We just have no say so in much outside of the realm of what’s for dinner, and what kind of laundry detergent we use. I try to be open enough on here to allow people to peek into this world, but the truth is that no one will ever really know what’s going on deep inside the heart of a military wife. Underneath all of the layers of “deal with it,” “currently working on dealing with it,” and “dealt with,” is an undefined feeling that we’re experts at hiding. There are moments when we look into the mirror and we see it if we stare for more than a few seconds, but we look away as soon as we notice it staring back at us…that undefined feeling is the only one that we just absolutely cannot deal with. No one can make us deal with it, because no one ever knows that it exists. Please understand that these phases and these feelings don’t mean that we want to give up. It doesn’t mean that we don’t have faith in God’s plan. It doesn’t mean that we hate our lives. If anything, we push harder than most people. We live on faith alone most days, and we wouldn’t trade our lives with anyone else out there. We look forward to retirement more than our military spouses. That’ll be the day we can finally say, “I’m done dealing with it,” and we hope that hidden feeling will fade. Does it ever fade? Is there a retired spouse that can tell me it goes away? I hope so. It’s a heck of a burden, and I’m pretty sure it’s the culprit behind my love handles.
Activity #38: The Cinnamon Challenge
So, seriously, don’t try this. It’s so dumb. I actually feel a little mad at myself for wasting a tablespoon of cinnamon. My sinuses have been a disaster for hours, and I keep verping up cinnamon mixed with water and a protein bar. What idiot first came up with this? I’d like to kick them in the shin. Now I’m one of the thousands of idiots that have tried and failed. I’m not taking a bow…I’m admitting defeat and embarrassment. But, whatever! Another week, and another activity down! Bring on the next week, I’ve got a whole sack of crazy here…who wants to add to it? Anyone, anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
So, until next week, send your crazy to me, since I’m going there anyway!