See? There’s a reason why I keep busy. I decided to have a lazy week, since last week was so hectic, and now I’m paying for it. I keep thinking to myself, “This really freakin sucks,” over and over again. There was no particular incident that happened to bring on the tears, but they just kept piling up throughout the week, and I kept trying to use my lamas breathing to suck them back in, but I’ve finally been defeated. I hate crying. It always clogs my nose up, so I have to breath out of my mouth. Then, it dries up my lips, and makes my eyes really sore, swollen, and puffy the next day. I’ve heard it said that a good cry cleanses the soul of impurities…can’t I just drink castor oil? Doesn’t that do the same thing? (Ew…potty humor….she’s so nasty. ) There’s nothing specifically wrong either. I mean, the bills are paid, the lawn is mowed, the car is running, and I didn’t wreck my husband’s bike any of the 3 times I took it out this week. The house is clean, laundry done, I’m stocked up on fresh food from the farmers’ market, and I’ve increased my running distance twice. I’ve had some heart-to-hearts with some great friends, and I’ve enjoyed some cuddles and laughs from my boys. Like I said, nothing went wrong…it just isn’t right without sharing all of these things with my best friend. Last week, I was physically beat, and this week I’m emotionally exhausted. I just can’t win. I’ve been mumbling, “His strength is made perfect in my weakness…” all week, and God keeps on reminding me that His strength is shining through me. He’s not allowing me to walk this alone. He’s sent messengers and helpers along the way, and they’ve always come just when I needed them. I’m so grateful for the blessings that He’s constantly showering me with in order to make the burden a little easier to carry. But, it hurts in my heart and in my stomach to be missing my husband so much.
You never know the power of holding hands until you don’t have a hand to hold anymore. I think that if anyone was to hold my hand, at this point (to pray, to play red rover, to help them get their balance while attempting to recreate a scene from the Olympics), I would probably break out into a full-on, fetal position sob-session. Holding someone’s hand says, “We’re about to do this together,” “I’m not letting go until we’ve made it,” and “1, 2, 3, go.” Without his hand to hold, I just can’t jump into cold lakes or come to a smooth landing when climbing down from the counter-top. (Sometimes, I like to stand on the counters in my kitchen to get a better view of my stay-at-home-mom world. It makes me feel powerful…okay, so I can’t reach the top shelf to get light bulbs. Don’t judge me.) He’s also been going through some tough stuff over there, and it kills me that I can’t do anything to help him, to ease the burden, or to just give him a foot rub at the end of his 36 hour shift -not a typo…they worked him for 36 hours in a row with no break to catch up on sleep. Grrrrr… Of course, my husband being the humble soldier that he is, didn’t complain even once.
I’ve tried to be honest with people about how he’s doing and how I’m doing, but I think it actually makes them uncomfortable. I guess it’s sorta like when a friend loses someone close to them. You don’t really know what to say, how to respond, or if a hug will really do any good. So you sorta just pat them on the back in a ‘there-there’ fashion, followed by that slow nod, and ending with a deep sigh. It seems like when I talk about how things are going beyond a surface level, people clam up, and I swear I hear crickets in the day time. I’m not sure if it’s the same for people who lose a loved one (someone let me know please), but for me a hug really does help most of the time. 🙂 It says so much when you don’t know what to say. I’m grateful that I’m blessed with friends who have totally earned their Great Hugger badge! …one week at a time…I can do this.
Activity #33: Learn how to pick a lock
I had the opportunity to sit down with a lock-picking expert (stemmed from lessons taught by his dad and some good practice in his childhood) this week to learn the art of the wiggling, jiggling, lifting, and turning picks in order to stand up to locksmiths all over who charge ridiculous fees for 2 minute jobs! I really wasn’t sure if I’d get it, but you never know until you try. Please be advised that if you do this on someone else’s property, the charge is punishable for anywhere between 2-15 years in prison, depending on your record. Even if you’re a squeaky clean stay-at-home-mom, you can face a minimum of 2 years imprisonment. That’s totally not worth it, if you ask me. So, please, if you try to do this, stick to bum locks from the pawn shop (great advice from my lock-picking mentor) or save it for emergencies on your own home. Here’s my 2nd time picking a lock, captured on film for your learning and enjoyment! It also comes with 8 free random facts to store in the back of your brain for empty moments in conversation when you’re trapped in an elevator or on an awkward first date!
^haha…I look like I’m grossed out by the “play”button ^