For the past few weeks, things have been a bit off. Back in May, I got a call from my husband, informing me that he and the other troops on his base were being sent home by the end of this Summer, and that we’d have to move when that time comes. I feel like I just got into a groove of excepting the separation and planning for the year ahead, and then this new news flashed on my “Crazy Military Life-isms” list. I was tossed into a brand new whirlwind of emotions and things that needed to get done. I thought I’d have another year to enjoy my friends here, and Cole would have to start school in a totally new place, and I’d have to paint the house and contact a property manager, and should I refinance for the lower interest rate and term on the house still? What about the plans for a 2nd car? And of course, the biggest question: Where are we going? These questions and more were haunting me constantly. When I came home from Florida, I didn’t even want to get my house ready for company. It didn’t seem like it made any sense to me if we were going to be moving in just a couple of months. Why allow myself to continue to be attached when we were going to leave here so shortly? I started distancing myself immediately from my friends here. I felt like I couldn’t take another painful goodbye just yet. Then, my husband told me to basically take a chill pill. He told me to keep living life normally until we get a green light and written orders. Silly me…getting all worked up and there weren’t even orders on the table. Even when there are orders, the military can change their mind at any second. But I feel like I haven’t been able to get back to myself yet, since his initial phone call about re-deployment possibilities. If he comes home sooner, then that means this deployment doesn’t even count as a deployment. He faces the inevitable promise of being sent right back over there shortly after returning to the states. If he stays a little while past, at least to the 6 month mark, then he has guaranteed stability when he comes home. All of these what if’s and what not’s have had me thinking way too much. I think I’m finally realizing just how much time I’ve had apart from my husband since we first got married. It’s pretty ridiculous, and now that anger towards __?__ is coming back. I’m not really sure who to point the finger at, but I know that what’s done is done, and I can’t go back and change any of our previous separations…and I really have no control over our future ones either. So, I’m just angry for it all. I trust that God has a bigger plan for us, but right now I’m just thinking, “Come ON! I’m so tired of this already!” My faith is unshakable, my hope is in the Lord, but my flesh is weak, fragile, and hormonal. I’m crying, then laughing, then angry, then numb. But, at the end of every day, when I crawl into bed alone and stare at the empty right side, I ask myself, “Is it all really worth it for this man that I married at 18 years old?” and I immediately answer myself, “Absolutely, it is.”
My activity this week!!! White Water Rafting on the Ocoee River in Tennessee!!!
My girlfriends, Sam and Michelle, came up from Tallahassee, and we had a blast together! Because of this thrill ride, I’m actually hanging up my wuss hat, and trading it in for a parachute. This mom is ready for sky diving!!! Coming soon, to this blog…I might wear a Supermom cape.
2012 – the year that I went White Water Rafting with my girlfriends…
Until next week, send your crazy to me since I’m going there anyway!