And so it begins…

I haven’t made any posts in the past 2 weeks, because I got hit by sickness!! 3 TIMES!!! First, I got slapped with a gross cold, then I got smacked with Bronchitis from it, and then I got knocked down with the stinking stomach flu!!! It was horrible! I was so angry about spending the holidays, as well as my last couple of weeks with my husband, sick and gross. But, I’m over it now. This week, I didn’t do anything awesome just for myself. I just sat around in my bathrobe (Christmas present from my dear husband) and loaded up on carbs. Before Chandler left, I told people that I’d love to have donations of wine while he’s away. A half-glass and a scolding hot bath is like a sedative for me. I think I’d like to change my request to carbs. I’ll worry about getting in shape 3 months before he comes home. For now, I’d like to plump up my winter butt. So, if you’d like to stop by with chips, cookies, pasta, pizza, bread and butter, or anything starchy and loaded with unnecessary saturated fats, I’d embrace that completely!

You’re probably wondering how I’m doing (or maybe you could care less, but you’re reading this because it popped up on your iphone, and you have nothing better to do while you go through the car wash), and I’m actually doing alright. I’m a little stressed out from everything, but I’ll manage. I’m not terribly emotional just yet. Last week though…that was a different story. I was grocery shopping, and it occurred to me that I had made my list with my husband in mind. I had written down a bunch of things that I get for Chandler when they go on sale, and I had to go down my list crossing them off before I could get started. I didn’t need near as much meat, his favorite Chocolate Frosted donuts, or Orange Juice. I didn’t have to grab any marinades for Saturday grilling or Johnsonville sausage. I didn’t need to double up on the milk for my husband’s protein shakes or grab a bag of peanut M&M’s in the check out line. I had to be sure to get bacon, because Saturday was going to be our last Saturday morning breakfast for a while (big Saturday morning breakfasts are a tradition in our house), and bacon is his favorite. So right there in the bacon and sausage aisle…I had a melt down. I started to tear up, and I tried to hold it back by closing my eyes and taking slow, deep breaths, but when I opened my eyes, I saw the bacon again. I felt my face get hot and as if I had gotten the wind knocked out of me. The crying became uncontrollable, and people started to look concerned. So, I just kept walking and eventually gave up on any real shopping, because I just don’t know how to grocery shop without my husband in mind…not without a list and the proper preparation at least. Yes, I’m saving money, but my husband has to sit on a metal bench in a chow hall, surrounded by hundreds of other guys that he doesn’t know, eating food that was prepared the week before and using a plastic fork and knife that just doesn’t cut meat. I know he’s humble enough to enjoy whatever meal he has with a glad heart, but I should be the one preparing his meals! I should be there to see the look of satisfaction on his face when he has his first bite of roasted chicken and scalloped potatoes after a long day at work! I should know what he’s craving as a night time snack based on what he’s been eating all day long! I should be holding my boys’ hands who should be holding his hands around our dinner table and praying before we eat…I should, but I’m not, and I have to accept that. I think that’s where all of the frustration comes from for me and other military wives. We HAVE to accept it. There’s nothing we can do about it. That’s just the way it is. I don’t feel that same frustration today. Today, I’m just fine. These emotions will come in waves of sadness, anger, anxiety, and worry. It’s okay for me to feel these feelings. I just hope that my friends don’t try to help by trying to get my mind off of those tough emotions. I need to allow myself to feel them as I feel them and to work my way through them until God decides I’ve learned something from it and gives me the peace to make it to the next tough emotion. These feelings suck when they’re happening, but I’m so grateful that I have a husband who I love so much to have this emptiness when he is gone. The emptiness isn’t unbearable. God comes in and fills that emptiness so quickly! I’ve actually really been enjoying my alone time with Him these past few days. He’s been giving me the rest I need at night that I didn’t think I’d be able to have. I love my Creator, Comforter, Hope for Tomorrow, and Joy of Today! I’m blessed to be in the arms of Jesus at night instead of lying here alone. It’s a sweet place to be, and I’m going to lay down and talk to him a bit right now before I fall asleep. So until next week, send your crazy to me, since I’m going there anyway!

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